Unemployed
by Adeline-Eveline
Summary: Mello, Matt and Near are on a mission: to find a decent job. However, when your personalities are more than strange, it can prove to be a challenge. Series of oneshots, very humorous. T for language.
1. Bagel Basin

Matt stood in front of the door, looking up from his Gameboy momentarily to flip the sign to the side that read "Open" in bold white letters before immediately directing his attention back to his game. He had been excited about starting a new job again with Near and Mello last night, but the feeling evaporated when he found his old Mario game under his bed. Mello, however, was practically oozing with energy as he bounced on the balls of his feet, punching the air rhythmically as if making bagels required knocking the customers out. "Gonna serve some bagels, mmm-mmm yeah. Gonna make the customers not hungry, mmm-mmm yeah."

"I believe Mello meant 'less hungry.'" Near said in a monotone, not looking up from the counter on which he was stacking small plastic cups on.

"Shut up, Near!" He snarled in response, clenching his fists to prevent himself from pounding Near's face in. He quickly remembered what his therapist had told him about controlling his anger and began to take deep breaths slowly before returning to his previous actions.

Their boss emerged from the small office in the back, clapping his hands together enthusiastically. "Alright, guys, you ready?"

"Yeah!" Mello shouted, pumping a fist into the air. Near simply nodded, and Matt didn't respond at all.

The boss nodded in approval in Mello's direction. "I like your attitude, Mello. A hard worker with a positive mindset like you is exactly what this place needs. You will definitely be a fantastic employee; I can tell already."

Mello smiled proudly, his ego inflating as repeated the compliment in his head over and over. He and Near took their places in front of the cash registers, standing side by side. Near was positive Mello would somehow make it a competition so he chose his words carefully. "Mello's enthusiastic demeanor is inspiring. I will try my best."

"You better, sheep, 'cause you're no match for me."

About 5 minutes later, the first customer of the day entered the small establishment. Mello had to bite his lip to contain his joy as the woman chose to stand in front of his register rather than Near's. He quickly smoothened his hair and straightened his green apron. "Hi, welcome to Bagel Basin. What would you like today?"

"Uh," She started, her eyes scanning the menu placed on the wall. "Let me get two regular bagels. With cream cheese," She added.

"Sure," Mello replied before turning and shouting at Near even though he was right beside him, "I NEED TWO REGULAR BAGELS WITH CREAM CHEESE!"

Near stared at him for a moment, wondering if there was some sort of psychological disorder he had before nodding slowly and fetching the bagels.

This continued, and for the majority of the time Matt either sat at a table playing his Gameboy or standing by the door handing the customers napkins as they left (while playing his Gameboy.)

Another woman walked in, just as an employee the three boys didn't even know was there exited the office. "Hey, babe," He said as she walked past.

_What a strange way to greet a customer_, Near thought before blinking at her. "Hello. What can I get you?"

"A sesame seed bagel with cream cheese and peanut butter."

Mello wrinkled his nose in distaste and went to make the bagel, coming back to the counter with it in hand and a small serving cup with peanut butter inside. "Here you go, ma'am."

The woman raised a brow at him before she spat, "Seriously? Are you _stupid_? Do you not know how I like my bagels by now? I didn't know they hired retards."

Mello's nostrils flared, his face flushing with anger. Matt gulped with fear and waited for the inevitable explosion.

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, YOU LITTLE PRISSY BITCH? YOU CAN'T PUT THE DAMN PEANUT BUTTER ON YOURSELF? FUCKING LAZY CUNT, I'LL GIVE YOU A MENTAL HANDICAP RIGHT NOW!"

Mello lunged at the woman, who shrieked loudly. Near watched as the boss and other unknown employee struggled to restrain Mello, who was still spouting insults.

_I understand now,_ He thought. _This woman is a regular here, hence the familiarity between her and that man. I should have noticed sooner._

Once Mello and the girl calmed down, Near offered her a new bagel; this one with the peanut butter already on it.

"I apologize," Near said, not actually sorry but hoping to prevent any lawsuits. "Please forgive my colleague and I."

She nodded shakily and took the bagel, staring at Mello with fear in her eyes before fleeing.

A few moments of silence passed before the boss's voice rang out, making Mello wince:

"Boys, you're fired."


	2. WalMart

Mello, Matt and Near stood in front of the large grocery store, each lost in their own thoughts. Today they were starting their second job this week- cashiers at Wal-Mart. The whole cashier thing didn't work so well at Bagel Basin, so maybe a change of scenery would help. Plus, there wouldn't be any snotty customers that insisted on getting the peanut butter put on beforehand.

"Well," Mello started, breaking the silence. "Are you guys excited?"

It was a stupid question. Mello already knew they both didn't care. Near because... well, he's Near. Has he even_ felt_ excitement before? Matt was too busy with his games to be hyped up about it.

"Yeah," Matt replied automatically. He was used to agreeing with him without actually listening.

Mello sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, starting to have second thoughts. It didn't really matter, though, because one of the employees came out. He smiled at the three of them and announced, "Time to open. You boys ready?"

They all nodded, lying.

**. . . **

"Good morning," Near muttered as the customer came up to him, rolling the cart behind her. She didn't hear him since he said it so quietly and starting rummaging through her purse. Holding back a sigh, he grabbed the items one by one, scanning them each. Matt bagged them all and then placed them inside the cart before sneaking his PS3 out of his pocket and putting in his earphones.

Near looked into her eyes as he spoke. "33 dollars and 58 cents. Please."

Looking slightly frightened, the woman nodded and took two twenties out of her wallet. She stared at Near's hand for a moment before placing the bills on it, quickly retracting her own hand back as if touching a hot stove.

He gave her the change and nodded goodbye. She quickly left, mumbling to herself once she was in the parking lot, "Note to self: never shop at this Wal-Mart again."

Near continued working, not at all fazed by the strange looks and whispered insults. If anything, he found them amusing. If he wasn't himself, he'd probably be smirking and challenging the customers. But he was Near, so he just stayed silent and passive, as always.

Mello, on the other hand, was having a bit of trouble. He was clutching a large box of diapers, twisting it around looking for the bar code while the customer (a woman bouncing a crying baby on her hip) watched impatiently.

"_Mom,_" Her son whined, tugging on her shirt. "Tell the man to hurry up!"

"Shut the fuck up, kid! Can't you see I'm trying?" Mello snarled at him.

"Oh, _hell_ no!" The mother shouted, shooting a fierce glare in Mello's direction. She then grabbed her child's hand and stomped off, right into customer service.

_Fuck._

Mello screamed in frustration, throwing the box across the aisle. A shriek was heard as someone, presumably struck with the thrown box, stumbled backwards and fell into a display of cereal boxes. They all tumbled down, burying the poor person.

Gasps and insults were thrown at Mello, but he didn't care. Still in a rage, he stood up on top of the surface beside the cashier and cried, "I hate all of you! GO FUCK YOURSELVES AND USE THE SELF CHECK OUT LANE!"

With a roar, he leaped downwards, flying into a man that had been waiting in line. He screamed in fear as Mello toppled onto him, bringing them both onto the floor. They then began to roll around, Mello swinging punches wildly while the man just cowered.

Alarmed by the noise, a few employees ran out to see what was going on. Their eyes widened, clearly surprised, but acted quickly and grabbed Mello. He thrashed and growled like an animal, murder in his eyes. "Let me go, damn it! FUCK!"

Screeching tires and sirens were heard as the local police, contacted by many of the customers, pulled up in front of the supermarket. They all burst inside, already knowing who to pounce on thanks to the customers description of Mello; "A skinny blonde man with the body and hair of a hooker but face of a homosexual."

They took him from the employees, pinning him on the ground. However, he continued to struggle, screaming incoherently. An officer managed to handcuff him, but he still flailed around like a fish out of water so he was then sedated.

It was finally over.

Near approached Mello's sleeping body, cocking his head to the side. "So much anger in one man."

Mello was lifted off the ground and taken outside, most likely into the back of the cop's cruiser for the ride to prison. The manager was seated behind the customer service counter, sobbing into his hands. "Why did I have to hire him? _Why, God?_"

Matt was still standing in front of the bags, playing his PS3. He was completely oblivious to the fact that his friend just had a huge temper tantrum and was arrested due to having his game at full volume.

Slowly removing his nametag and throwing it to the ground, Near exited the store, muttering to himself as he did.

"Life's too short for this shit."


End file.
